VOD / INFO Raffle for a Buzz Vivid stick ST 4000 01/18/2021 - bigstar

[duhhud]

12-24-2019, 01:46 PM #1


Christmas Eve Accident....

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve.

They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

 

[bigstar]

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking...

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.

We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.

Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.

She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want.

' So I took the truck! "

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

 

[Shooty]

Speeding Ticket..... (oct 01 2020)
A driver is pulled over by a policeman.


The police man approaches the driver's door.


"Is there a problem Officer?"


The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"


The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."


"You don't have one?"


The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."


The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."


The policeman says, "Why not?"


"I stole this car."


The officer says, "Stole it?"


The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."


At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"


"She's in the boot if you want to see."


The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.


Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car.


A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"


The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"


"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."


"Murdered the owner?"


The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"


The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.


The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"


The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.


The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."


The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.


The officer opens the wallet and examines the license.


He looks quite puzzled.


"Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."


The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

 

[jony604]

The sheriff of the small town...
The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming.

When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butt hole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

 

[Nomad]

Six months...


The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.

The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral.

He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

 

[4me2c]

Oh your a Bad one Mr. Farmer1

A midget with a lisp goes to see farmer1 to buy a horse.
He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth."
So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth.
Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears."
Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears.
Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat."
"Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat."
So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's twot.
The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he’s screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down.

The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."


Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Fun Contest and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!

 

[andkaal]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.

It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.

Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son", the nun answers. "Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.

 

[zaang83]

[h=2]A little girl is sitting ...[/h]

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.

Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"​

 

[carlosman]

[FONT=&quot]A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After they finish, the guy says,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Now I should be honest too. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".[/FONT]

 

[minitor]

Can We......


On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?

 

[iptv]

Taxi Driver In Heaven...
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven.

St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion?

After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

 

[Keyboard]

You are driving in a car...

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra.

Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.

 

[4me2c]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a...

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.

I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.

At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"


Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Fun Contest and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!

Thanks for the New Password... the retrieval system Works...!!!

 

[superbox]

[h=2]Police Are In A Chase[/h]

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."​

 

[bigstar]

Dorothy and Edna....

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

 

[xayoz]

Another new Illness to watch out for ...

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"So, what's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

 

[Nomad]

Unfaithful ? Nah ......


“My dear wife, soon we will be married 50 years, and there is something I have to know. In these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me”?

Martha replied: “Well, Harry I have to be completely honest with you … Yes, I have been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason”.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said: “I never suspected this. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reason’?

Martha said: “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended”?

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said: “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time”?

Martha asked: “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see the doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge”.

“I recall that” said Harry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time …”

“All right,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes."

 

[4me2c]

I Won !!!!

A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee.

When she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game
piece" on the side of the cup.

She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!"

She continues shouting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress
decides to get her boss.

"What's the problem here?" the manager asks.

"I won a motor home!" she shouts again.

"That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor homes."

She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."

The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says:

"Win a bagel."

Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Fun Contest and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!

 

[iptv]

Stolen Car.....
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

 

[superbox]

[h=2]A bad sign...[/h]

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold.

A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing.

I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign.

Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."​