VOD / INFO Raffle for a Buzz Vivid stick ST 4000 01/18/2021 - bigstar

For all the VOD, beginners info, novice stuff.
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The Husband Store – New One .....

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.
 
[h=2]For Men Only....[/h]

Now THIS is a common sense approach to testing & saving money!

Simplified Urine Test For Senior Men

Avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get.

Simply go outside and pee in the front yard.

If ant's gather: DIABETES.

If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE

If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL

If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS

If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S​
 
Divorce...... WHAT?


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
 
[h=2]The Golden Saloon...[/h]
A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - even the urinal is gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.

She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"​
 
Harlow was fixing a door.....
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy,and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.
 
This is awesome reading all these jokes. It brings a lot of laughs

Hints

1 It is one of bwcbob's joke
2 It is in the date range 12/06/2019 - 11/5/2020
3 There is more then 1 person involved in this joke and not husband and wife
 
Walk to the shop....

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village.

On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me so I stopped and went inside to talk to the retirement village administrator.

I asked her, "Did you know there are six ladies lying naked on your lawn?"

"Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings?

They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale ."

Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Fun Contest and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!! :cool:
 
[h=2]Horse for sale....[/h]
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse.

A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.

"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk.

Go is praise the lord and stop is amen."

So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse starts to trot.

The man again says "Praise the lord," and the horse starts to gallop.

Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!"

The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."​
 
What's the trick?

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.

I've been trying to do that for years!"
 
Complicated order....

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter.

"It might be quite difficult to prepare."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"
 
06-02-2020, 09:22 AM

A blonde was driving home....

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.

Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...

"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"
 
A noted sex therapist....

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile.

Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.

"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.

"Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What are you so happy about?"

The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
 
You're a red neck when...
YOU'RE A RED NECK WHEN...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
 
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor .

"What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."
 
actual job application

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.


Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Fun Contest and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!! ;)
 
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A man suffered a serious heart.......


A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 
Smile Concept of Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:


I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed


The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.
 
Two buddies talking......

Two buddies talking in the bar.

"Hey, you look rather dejected today. What's happened?"

"It's my father-in-law."

"Fell ill?"

"Worse."

"Died?"

"Worse. He's undergone a gender change operation and... now I've got two mothers-in-law."
 
You boys been drinkin?

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock!

We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."


Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Fun Contest and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!! ;)
 
What's My Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.

It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
 
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