VOD / INFO Raffle for a Buzz Vivid stick ST 4000 01/18/2021 - bigstar
- Thread starter Farmer1
- Start date
For all the VOD, beginners info, novice stuff.
- Status
[h=2]A magician ......[/h]
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
[h=2]There was a fly buzzing around.....[/h]
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure.
Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat.
She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away.
She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.
As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.
She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.
Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat.
She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away.
She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.
As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.
She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.
Clarence and Rufus
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "RUFUS!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"CLARENCE!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough.
"Rufus!" she yells, one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."
"And?" she asked, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He ain't never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!"
Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Chance and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "RUFUS!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"CLARENCE!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough.
"Rufus!" she yells, one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."
"And?" she asked, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He ain't never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!"
Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Chance and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!
This is why Men shouldn’t answer questions.
WIFE : “What would U do if I died? Would U get married again?”
HUSB : “Definitely not!”
WIFE : “Why not? Don’t U like being married?”
HUSB : “Of course I do.”
WIFE : “Then why wouldn’t U remarry?”
HUSB : “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE : “U would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSB : (makes audible groan)
WIFE : “Would U live in our house?”
HUSB : “Sure, it’s a great house”
WIFE : “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSB : “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE : “Would U let her drive my car?”
HUSB :”Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE : “Would U replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSB : “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE : “Would U give her my jewellery?”
HUSB : “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE : “Would she wear my shoes?”
HUSB : “No, she’s size 5.”
WIFE : — silence —
HUSB : “Sh!T”...
WIFE : “What would U do if I died? Would U get married again?”
HUSB : “Definitely not!”
WIFE : “Why not? Don’t U like being married?”
HUSB : “Of course I do.”
WIFE : “Then why wouldn’t U remarry?”
HUSB : “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE : “U would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSB : (makes audible groan)
WIFE : “Would U live in our house?”
HUSB : “Sure, it’s a great house”
WIFE : “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSB : “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE : “Would U let her drive my car?”
HUSB :”Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE : “Would U replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSB : “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE : “Would U give her my jewellery?”
HUSB : “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE : “Would she wear my shoes?”
HUSB : “No, she’s size 5.”
WIFE : — silence —
HUSB : “Sh!T”...
A Christmas story
A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Chance and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!
A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Chance and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!
[h=2]Give him a job[/h]
A young man with pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE being on welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter thought for a moment and said: "Your timing is excellent. We just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man. He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. As part of your job you'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz CL and he'll supply your clothes."
The social worker went on to say: "The hours may be long, so meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but also as part of your job you must satisfy her sexual urges. She's in her mid-20's and apparently she has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said: "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well... You started it." .....
A young man with pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE being on welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter thought for a moment and said: "Your timing is excellent. We just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man. He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. As part of your job you'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz CL and he'll supply your clothes."
The social worker went on to say: "The hours may be long, so meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but also as part of your job you must satisfy her sexual urges. She's in her mid-20's and apparently she has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said: "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well... You started it." .....
Good To Know ..... (The Blonde and the Snowplow)
A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice:
"If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it."
Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car.
After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?"
She explained what her father had told her and the driver said,
"Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now.
Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"
/Shooty
A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice:
"If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it."
Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car.
After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?"
She explained what her father had told her and the driver said,
"Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now.
Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"
/Shooty
The new secretary....
The manager hired a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir.
All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
The manager hired a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir.
All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
Raffle prizes!
Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!
How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!
How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
A fellow bought a new Mercedes
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellow-head for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over.
I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellow-head for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over.
I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
A professor of chemistry wanted...
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
[FONT="]A man owned a small farm...[/FONT]
[FONT="]A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. [/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $700 a week, plus room and board. [/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $600 a week plus room and board."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Speaking," said the farmer.[/FONT]
[FONT="]A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. [/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $700 a week, plus room and board. [/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $600 a week plus room and board."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Speaking," said the farmer.[/FONT]
Why Spell Check ....
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at a...
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht thefrist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a toatl msesand you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raedervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at a...
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht thefrist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a toatl msesand you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raedervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......
One Monday morning...
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Playing Golf with God...
Three men were playing golf.
The course was a wicked dogleg with a large water hazard.
The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard.
He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man stepped up and hit the ball.
Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water.
He walked across the surface of the water and and hit the ball within six inches of the hole.
The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it.
The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth.
An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off.
As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball, and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad."
Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Chance and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!
Three men were playing golf.
The course was a wicked dogleg with a large water hazard.
The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard.
He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man stepped up and hit the ball.
Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water.
He walked across the surface of the water and and hit the ball within six inches of the hole.
The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it.
The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth.
An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off.
As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball, and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad."
Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Chance and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!
A devoted wife.....
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
[h=2]A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.....[/h]
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
The next day, they all leave right after the boss does.
The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"
"Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
The next day, they all leave right after the boss does.
The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"
A cop saw....
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied, "You mean it shows that, too
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied, "You mean it shows that, too
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