Jokes in honor of bwcbob
- Thread starter jony604
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There's this young couple,
let's call them Ness and Tony, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night Tony comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.
Tony comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Tony gets in from work, Ness is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers and bra.
As is always the case, Tony comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Ness is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11pm (well before normal) she hears Tony coming up the driveway and opening the front door.
Ness re-adopts her provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Tony's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom."
"YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get some!"
When Ness reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace knickers - ready for Tony, as he stomps up the stairs. As Tony pushes the bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get your clothes off!"
Ness doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything. "Now get over in front of the mirror..",
"Kinky!" she thinks. "Great!"
"and do a handstand..."
"Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages," thinks Ness...
Tony walks over to Ness, parts her legs and places his chin in her crutch...
... "Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!"
let's call them Ness and Tony, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night Tony comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.
Tony comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Tony gets in from work, Ness is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers and bra.
As is always the case, Tony comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Ness is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11pm (well before normal) she hears Tony coming up the driveway and opening the front door.
Ness re-adopts her provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Tony's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom."
"YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get some!"
When Ness reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace knickers - ready for Tony, as he stomps up the stairs. As Tony pushes the bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get your clothes off!"
Ness doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything. "Now get over in front of the mirror..",
"Kinky!" she thinks. "Great!"
"and do a handstand..."
"Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages," thinks Ness...
Tony walks over to Ness, parts her legs and places his chin in her crutch...
... "Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!"
Punishment for Missing Church
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
There is an overweight guy
who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
A construction worker
on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
A huge muscular man walks into...
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No s***?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!"
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No s***?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!"
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"
Signs of the times....
These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny!
In the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'
On an electrician's truck,
'Let us remove your shorts.'
Outside a radiator repair shop,
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
On a maternity room door,
'Push, Push, Push.'
On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'
At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
On a taxidermist's window,
'We really know our stuff.'
On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'
On a fence,
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'
At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'
In a dry cleaner's emporium,
'Drop your pants here.'
On a desk in a reception room,
'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'
In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a Beauty Shop,
'Dye now!'
In a restaurant window,
'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'
Inside a bowling alley,
'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.'
In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'
These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny!
In the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'
On an electrician's truck,
'Let us remove your shorts.'
Outside a radiator repair shop,
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
On a maternity room door,
'Push, Push, Push.'
On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'
At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
On a taxidermist's window,
'We really know our stuff.'
On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'
On a fence,
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'
At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'
In a dry cleaner's emporium,
'Drop your pants here.'
On a desk in a reception room,
'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'
In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a Beauty Shop,
'Dye now!'
In a restaurant window,
'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'
Inside a bowling alley,
'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.'
In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'
LAO, Good Ones there ^^^
"On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'"
In Our Neighborhood Store, there is a sign worded : "Nobody Beats Our M--t"...!!!
"On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'"
In Our Neighborhood Store, there is a sign worded : "Nobody Beats Our M--t"...!!!
After Brian proposed to Jill,
his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Doris is sitting in a bar
and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"
I have discovered the answer
to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years. What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond? My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. Since I took a split second, she had to go to the mall and buy new outfits with jewelry, shoes, and purses to match.
and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"
I have discovered the answer
to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years. What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond? My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. Since I took a split second, she had to go to the mall and buy new outfits with jewelry, shoes, and purses to match.
On Thanksgiving day,
a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."
a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."
After numerous rounds of,
"We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down
"We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down