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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."...

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you come to the community church this evening, you can hear...

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbour's house. She was a blonde, and for some reason, she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I damn well do wanna do this...

In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth, and then He created man: God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" And God explained it to him. Then God said...

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating." The teacher says, "No, that's fascinating." Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo, I was fascinated." The teacher says, "No...

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini-skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt...

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping...

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little...

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: Two Prostitutes $50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'...

The phone rings, and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' 'Mrs. Sanders, please.' 'Speaking.' 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now...

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing to...

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. "Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool." "Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!"

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't...

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't...

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular...

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan." All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece." Her mother says ….. "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman ! You live in an 8 bedroom...

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer. 3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door. Ugly: So are you. 4. Good...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested. Then God created man, and then they both rested. Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.

Teacher and student Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?" Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about?" Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"